“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a profound and thought-provoking book written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It explores the psychological principles of Alfred Adler and presents them through a unique dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. The book primarily contrasts Adler’s theories with those of Sigmund Freud, offering a refreshing perspective on how human behavior is shaped not by past experiences but by our present choices and mindset.
Mindset and Perspective: The Core of the Book
The central theme of The Courage to Be Disliked book revolves around the idea that everything we experience our fears, our actions, and even our struggles is more about our mental perspective than external circumstances. Unlike Freud, who believed that human behavior is deeply rooted in past traumas and unconscious forces (such as the ego and superego), Adler’s theory, as presented in this book, asserts that people have the ability to choose their reactions to life’s challenges. The book takes the form of an engaging conversation between a philosopher and a skeptical young man. The young man initially questions the philosopher’s ideas, often resisting them with counterarguments, but the philosopher patiently explains Adler’s principles with clarity and depth. Their discussions span multiple sessions, structured into chapters, where they explore topics like personal responsibility, validation, and overcoming fears.
Breaking Free from the Need for Validation
One of the key discussions in the book revolves around a young man who suffered a difficult childhood. His parents constantly favored his elder brother, leaving him with feelings of neglect and insecurity. He seeks validation, wanting his parents to acknowledge his worth. The philosopher challenges him, asking, “Why do you need validation from others? Why not trust yourself?” He explains that true self-worth comes from within and that waiting for external approval only leads to unnecessary suffering.
Similarly, another example is given of a young woman in love with someone but afraid to express her feelings for fear of rejection. She lives in a cycle of hesitation, believing that if she confesses her feelings and is rejected, she will lose the comfort of her fantasy. The philosopher encourages her to take action, emphasizing that overcoming fears and uncertainties is the only way to truly grow. Holding onto illusions, he argues, only prevents people from experiencing real happiness.
Action Over Validation: The Key to True Freedom
Throughout the book, the philosopher continuously reinforces the importance of taking action without expecting recognition or praise. He provides an example: Suppose there is a heap of garbage in a locality, and someone knows it is causing pollution. Ideally, they should take responsibility and clean it up. However, many people hesitate to do so unless they are assured of praise or appreciation. This, the philosopher argues, is the fundamental problem—people often wait for validation before doing what they know is right.
This idea ties back to Adler’s belief that the root cause of human suffering is the need for approval. People often hesitate to pursue their goals, voice their opinions, or take action simply because they fear being disliked. However, the philosopher insists that true freedom comes when one stops seeking external approval and starts living authentically.
The Courage to be Disliked Conclusion: A Book That Challenges and Liberates
As the conversations progress, the young man begins to grasp the wisdom in the philosopher’s words. Initially, he set out to prove the philosopher wrong, but by the end of their discussions, he acknowledges the depth and practicality of Adler’s teachings. The book ultimately delivers a powerful message: personal happiness and fulfillment lie in overcoming fears, embracing self-sufficiency, and letting go of the need for validation.
The Courage to Be Disliked is more than just a self-help book it is a philosophical exploration that challenges deep-seated beliefs and encourages readers to reframe their understanding of life. By adopting Adler’s principles, one can cultivate a mindset that is independent, fearless, and ultimately, free.
People can certainly have differences in their opinion and should embrace each other’s flaws and live a better life together, by being a better version of their previous self.